I love you daw...now what?!?!
Sinabi na niya yung kinatatakutan kong marinig. Sinabi na niya ang "I love you". O eh ano ngayon? I think it's cliche, diba? I think it's over-rated. I think it's an emotional pawn. Yun naman pala eh! So what's the big deal?
This is the "big deal": where to go from here. Dahil kahit anong kaplastikan at hipokritahan ang gawin ko, the fact remains the same: sinabi na niya. Alam ko na. Wala na akong excuse na sabihing "hindi ko naman alam ah" o kaya "wala ayun...wla anaman siyang sinasabi ah" kasi yun na nga! May sinabi na nga siya! The unassuming me has no defense anymore. Wala na akong excuse to take eveything NOT in the context of those three words. Everything that can be traced back to that fact WILL be traced back. Argh!
Natutuliro na ako. Sabi ni Rio, "then let him know how you feel. Let him know that your feelings are not on the same level." SInabi ko naman sa kanya na I already did. I even told him HOW I said it. I asked him and Roel, "Hindi pa ba clear yun? Isn't that as direct as you can get?" Oo naman daw. Direct na daw yun.
Seriously, sinabi ko na kasi dati pa. Okay, fine, it's better to say it in person but I can't help it kung sa cyberspace namin napag-usapan yun! Gustuhin ko mang sabihin ulit, I was hoping (and assuming) na it has sunk in and there's no need to twist the knife deeper.
Basta ito ang side ko: I've said it once, I won't say it again unless I have to. And honestly, I didn't see the need to. Sinabi ko nang walang future, there is nothing to look forward to. Hello... I don't like hitting people over hit head. What more hitting them over the head twice?!? At shempre, inisip kong nagets na niya yun the first time. Sinabi ko na. And I didn't see the need to say it again.
And I maintain, I am unassuming. Hangga't wala akong direct proof, I do not conclude. So when he was nice after, I always thought it was because nice siya talaga. And he was being nice DESPITE whatever rought road we walked on noon. I KNOW he's nice, kaya nga I consider him one of my good friends. I would be lying if I said I didn't notice that he was a little nicer to me than everyone else. But then again, that's where the problem starts.
Hindi ako tanga. Alam ko kung anong iisipin ng ibang taong nasa lugar ko pag ganung someone is being extra nice. But that's just it! Hindi nga ako assuming. Hangga't wala akong confirmation, hangga't wala akong solid proof wala akong ibang iisipin kundi ganun lang talaga siya ka-nice (which he is, by the way).
Ngayon, eto ang crux: masama ba ako? Naging bulag ba ako? Kasalanan ko bang mabait siya? Bakit pinapalabas ng ibang tao na isa akong predator na isa-isang kumain ng bawat hibla ng buhok niya, bawat kuko sa daliri niya?!?! Bakit lumalabas ngayon that I was an opportunistic bitch who had nothing better in this world than to terrorize some poor soul?
T*ng ina naman! Respeto naman, please. Unang una, hindi ko ginusto na gawin niya lahat ng iyon para sa akin. Ask him. I never obliged him to do any of those for me. And if ever mang lumabas na inuutusan ko siya, sorry. May mali sa interpretation ninyo. Alam kong wala akong K na mag-utos. As I said, hindi ako tanga. Hindi ako tanga para mag-assume at hindi rin ako tanga para manakit.
At hindi ko rin kasalanan na hindi kami pareho ng nararamdaman. Matalino kayong tao. Alam niyo yan. So please, tigilan na. Hindi nakakatuwa.
So,back to the topic: I love you daw. What now?
What now? Eh anong gagawin ko?
Seryoso, ano bang gusto niyong gawin ko, since you are all so inclined to rule my life. Sige nga? Anong dapat kong gawin, if you think you all f*cking know what's best for me. Ngayong tinatanong ko kayo, ngayong pinapagsalita ko kayo, bakit wala akong naririnig na sagot?