Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Blog lurker!

It's actually very amusing... I am seriously considering transferring my blog to another adress. Or removing all my sh*t down there (SOTM, RTD, MCPOD)...

But what he did today was really sweet...and very amusing. Hehehe...thank you!

And I hope you don't try to pull another one like that... it works only once and you've had your chance!


Song of the Moment: Lost in Space - Lighthouse Family

Random Thought of the Day: When does "long term planning" begin?

For some unfathomable reason, I wanted to ponder on that.

Most Coveted Possession of the Day: Blueberry cheesecake

Yeah...kanina pa to... resist the urge! Argh!

Uy...new phrase for the day..."What about me?"


Monday, April 28, 2003

History repeats itself....

..and decides to wear a mask to the ball. F*ck! What the f*ck am I talking about?!? Honestly I don't know. It's just that... there's too much similarity, too much history in front of me going on in the present that I can't relax and I can't NOT think about it. Taena, kailangan ko siyang ilabas. Kailangan ko siyang ma-explain or else I will scream myself to death!

Let's backtrack a little... I was ranting about history repeating itself and it deciding to wear a mask to the ball. F*cking sh*t! This is so psycho-esque and a little Jayson-esque at the same time, you know? I mean, this is so Jayson-esque whirlwind type sh*t and it is a little psycho-esque in that it presents so much opportunity for me to make the same mistakes as I did in that period.

Wait, I'm still not making sense.

Let me backtrack a little bit more.

The mistake I call Jayson and I was a product of a whirlwind thing over the net and eventually over text. Blame hormones. Blame my sickening hopelessly-hopeful romantic syndrome. Hell, blame God for allowing me to wreak havoc in my own life. Blame whoever the f*ck you want but it doesn't change the fact that this good-for-nothing-no-balls creature literally just disappeared off the face of this damned world and I ceased to exist to him. Never mind that I heard otherwise (and that he is now asking about me..the f*ck I care!). It doesn't change the fact that he walked out on me just when I convinced myself that it was for real and that I do love him and I can spend the rest of my life with him...and it f*cking hurt! Dammit...it hurt so bad that I wanted so much to curse at him when he had the nerve to APOLOGIZE for leaving without a word! Damn, he should be hung by a hook jammed up his ass, covered with honey and devoured by fire ants!

Now, psycho-esque is explained by the presence of so many opportunities for me to make the same (and possibly even bigger) mistakes that I committed during THAT timeframe. The whole thing started out with a mistake and everything else that followed were even bigger boo-boo. If it wasn't so, how the heck can a badger sire a cow? D-u-h...

And that mask thingie: simple. It's got a different face, a different identity. An old predicament with a new name. An old enemy with a new face. An old problem with a new solution.

Get my point? No? Well screw you! Harharhar..

Oh my God! I can actually LAUGH now! What the f*ck is wrong with me?!? THIS is what's wrong with me, in four of the simplest but most complicated words that I can find: I DO NOT KNOW.

The long and short of it is that I'm freaking scared! I'm freaking scared of being walked-out on, the way Jayson oh-so-non-chalantly walked out on me as if the whole world would stop turning if he didn't (the hell it will!). I'm freaking scared of making the same mistakes as I did during the psycho-period and end up regretting them for the rest of my life and scarring my future relationships because of it (as it is now).

And in the deepest, most secret part of me: I am scared to be wrong that he and I share something. I'm afraid that what we share turns out to be nothing at all.

Song of the Moment: Glory Box - Portishead
I quote: "Give me a reason to love you..."

Random Thought of the Day: When does the past become so distant so as to lose all power over the present and the future? In the first place, did it ever have a hand or does it always do?

As always, I am not making sense.

Hey, I have new sh*t for my blog: see see down there!

Most Coveted Possession of the Day: After Eden: A Graphic Novel

It's something along the lines of Wasted by Gerry Alanguilan. Unfortunately, I saw it at National Bookstore when I didn't have the money to buy it. Darn!

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?

Got this link form 'by's blog. That was my second take. The first time I took it was one week into my break-up with Ex5. Storm ako noon...Love is a luxury she cann't afford. Nye! Hwehehehe. But I can't be Rogue! I'm too tactile to be Rogue! Harharhar!

Been posting all day. Tapos nagwala nanaman dad ko at shempre inaway ko sila ni Mama back. Ano ako, bata?!?

Anyway, gotta sleep na. Pasok pa.

All this talk, though, about an eventual life together made my brain go into overdrive. I hope I'm not playing the fool this time.


Random Thought of the Day: When does love start and stupidity start? Or should it be, when does stupidity end and love start? Whatever!
unchallenged in the path of the sword. They are the masters of the blade. Give them a katana or a broad sword, and no one will be able to go near them without being cut into pieces. This makes them the best bodyguards, whether you are traveling or in need of security for an event. Just make sure you have enough money to pay them. They generally won’t accept tasks that will make them harm people unjustly. They are deadly, but only if you are threatening the ones they defend.

[Take the test here][Official website]

Got that somewhere. Yan daw ako. Hehehehe...

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Masahista in Boots on Graduation Day!

I was in boots. So? I stood out. So?

Graduate naman...

Unemployed nga lang.

Monday, April 21, 2003

I think too much...

I have ruminated on my thoughts with John. At least now I feel better. I guessI was just a little shaken up, hormonal imbalance nonwithstanding...

And I still want to lose that bet. He seems keen on proving me wrong anyway. Thank God.

Now I can sleep.

Song of the Moment: Mariposa - Sugarfree

Randon Thought of the Day: It's so tiring to be right all of the time. Sometimes, I just need to lose. And If I lose on this one, I'll be f*cking glad!
A lose-lose wager with my heart as the ante...

We had "breakfast" today at the clinic. He was in the middle of saying "I love you" repeatedly when I suddenly said, "You know, I don't think you love me. You're just infatuated." I'm sure he was taken aback. He just stared at me for a second or so (but it seemed like a year! Harharhar) And he asked me what made me say that. Sabi ko, kasi masyado kaming mabilis and he hardly even knows me. Sabi niya, "I have a theory. It's because we are so much alike that it's like knowing each other." The ever so stupid me pushed the situation by stating, "I'm willing to bet, iiwanan mo din ako after two months. Two months and you'll walk away. I'm pretty sure of it."

He made a bet with me and asked me what would be up for grabs. Napatigil ako dun. It just struck me that it's a lose-lose situation to bet on it. If I win, it obviously sucks coz by then he'd be walking away from me... and if I lose, it's just the same: I remain the shielded idiot that I am now.

I know it sucks to make the present suffer for the sins of the past. Well, I'm not. I'm just trapped. I'm jaded. I'm stuck in a rut.

I am so fucking sick of being right all the time. Three relationships, three people who walked out on me just when I broke out of my shell. Makes me fucking scared to break out this time coz that just might be the time he chooses to about-face-and-forward-march out of my life. Poor me. I am so sure that he will walk away from me in 60 days. I just want to be proven wrong, just this once. Maybe that's why I made that bet. Somehow, deep inside me, I wanted to lose. This time, I want to lose so bad.


Just this once.

Song of the Moment: Stupid Girl - Garbage

Sunday, April 20, 2003

My brain is NOT logical?!?

My dad just told me "Your brain is not logical." WTF? And he said "Have you ever heard of the word 'passion'?"

Duh... I said I do know what passion is and believe it or not, I'm fucking brimming with it. I just don't beleive that DROWNING in whatever is the right way to display passion. It's more of OBSESSION or something more psycho...

Anyway, issue in point was my review for Boards. Big deal. He doesn't want me to work but it's fine by him if I take the Boards on February. Which means I will be a b-u-m till then... that sucks.

Saw a movie with Ramil this afternoon. All this hide-and-seek, when-the-cat-is-away-the-mouse-will-play shit is making me a bit tired. Hindi talaga ako sanay na ume-eskapo. This must stop. Gusto ko na sana kausapin sila Papa regarding this pero shempre kaka-away ko lang sa kanya regarding Boards...it may not be a good idea to push it.


Song of the Moment: Jaded - Aerosmith

Saturday, April 19, 2003

My so-called f*cked-up life...

Let's try to do this in the "systematic" way I see some blogs done...like an hourly f*cking chronicle of their lives. Let's start...

My day began at 9:00am when bro yelled at me to "Bumangon ka na! Iiwanan ka namin! Hindi ka importante!". Of course I was half-awake when I yelled back "Duh...eh hindi ka pa nga naliligo". Five minutes later, he popped his head into my room again, this time yelling, "LAST CALL"... So i groggily get up, grab my towel and make my way into the bathroom.

9:20am: after what I consider my fastest dressing period (2 minutes! Wacha!), we were off to Nanay's place. Lo and behold, I had time for a quick phone call to Ramil at the lab before we left for The Podium.

9:35am: Escalators still barred and Starbucks half-empty! A sight for sore (home-imprisoned) eyes. I giddily made my way to Starbucks and proceeded to order a grande latte, a tall cafe mocha, a tall mocha frap and a tall caramel frap and two honey-glazed donuts(guess whose donuts they were...hehehe). I then spent the next fifteen minutes filling up the extra Globe forms and my heart sank as my coffee grew colder (guess which one's mine...harharhar) and my donuts stickier.

10:00am: In line at the Hub, Baby (the girl assisting us) told us that our plans to have ALL our existing lines terminated just won't work kasi naka-Family Values pala. Duh... so I wept inwardly as I realized that my dreams for a 6100 and a new number (it's about time!) slowly dissolved down the drain labeled "Family Values"...blech. So, despondent, I munch two donuts (one and a half, actually) and finish my coffee.

10:01am: After a stroke of genius *rolls eyes*, my dad remembered that we could still get two new lines...so off we went to line up again...

10:58am: At last, we finish in line and our applications for our 7th and 8th lines were submitted! Now we wait a week to a week and a half until I get the phone and the new SIM. I will set up a vigil until that day.

Now... the thing is this: all my "evidence" is in my old phone. 47 messages... but then again, sis will take good care of them. I told her that when the phone's in her hands, she should guard it with her life... well, the phone's safety ranks next to her life or something to that effect... ANYWAY, I'll worry about that when the time for truning over the mobiles comes...

Oh, and I mentioned to my dad that I plan to work at a call center and he was absolutely livid... bakit daw magtatrabaho? AT bakit sa call center daw? I won't be living up to my potentials, yadda yadda.

Well, he has a point, you know. But I'm just considering the possibility of me taking the Boards in February instead of this August. What will I do with all the time in my hands? I might as well work, right?

Oh, and my dad promised me a car next year (duh, like he promised it last year)... I don't care. I just want my phone and my new SIM! Harharhar...


Song of the Moment: Twister - Cranberries

Thursday, April 17, 2003

I see some reason behind it, but still...

Maybe it's somehow a blessing in disguise that my parents are over-protective of me. A danger to my life lurks out there. And maybe if I stay close to the security of my home, I can prolong my life by a few more decades.

Still it scares me...

Song of the Moment: Run Baby Run
Too good to be true...

Sometimes I think I am the stupidest person on Earth. Really, I do. I'm stupid because I never learn from my mistakes. I commit the same ones over and over again. And when I am in the process of committing these mistakes, I believe I'm right.


Song of the Moment: Stupid Girl - Garbage

Random Thought of the Day: Am I truly stupid or am I just too stupid to the point that i can't fool myself into believing that i am not stupid? WTF?!?

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

And so the news begins to travel...

I had dinner last night with Ryan, Ces and Ramil. Before that, we watched Solaris.

Muntik na ngang Anger Management yung papanoorin namin, kasi there was this Caucasian couple (British, if my hearing serves me right) who handed us a pair of tickets asking "Anybody wants to watch Anger Management?" Ramil (as the rest of the group) probably thought they were asking us which cinema it was screening at and even asked "Which cinema?" Then the husband said "Right, great. Thanks." and walked away with four pairs of perplexed eyes staring after them.

Well, we ended up giving away those tickets and getting four tickets to Solaris. It was a great movie. I loved the issues it was trying to tackle... mortality, afterlife, morality even. Pero sana hindi na lang nila ginawa sa context ng isang planetang nag-ngangalang Solaris. It sounded so... mainstream (to quote Ces). I particularly like the concept that it doesn't matter what I did in the past, that all is forgotten. Shit...kung pwede lang na ganun sa totoong buhay. Siguro ang saya nun. I won't have to worry about the reparations of my past actions...whether I wanted them to happen or not...


It really irks me to no end that I am so affected by what I have done in the past...whether I really planned them to happen or if they were plans which spun out of control. I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to be capable of handling this shit. Well, I am, to some extent, handling things well. But there are times (such as this, when my hormones are out of whack and my frustrations are piling one on top of the other) when I feel like I would fall apart at the seams...

Heller! All this crap coming from the Bitch of Babylon?!? All this crap from the Princess of Angst? From the High Priestess of Cynicism? Wala lang...may mga araw lang talaga na parang feeling ko mababaliw na ako. Na parang may mga bagay na gusto kong gawin pero hindi pwede.

It pisses me off to no end when I am repressed. I am not a child anymore but my parents still treat me like one. Somehow, I feel that to graduate and to get a job immediately after is my ticket out. Well, that's exactly what I am pursuing now. For the want of a better word, I want to ESCAPE being treated like a child. Sabi ni Ramil, my parents are just worried kasi nga malapit na akong umalis, when I start working and living my own life (duh...I've been living my own life since I was 13!)... pero I swear they're pushing me further away with all this...crap. I mean, I was so independent since I was 13 tapos biglang...7 years later para silang nag-aalaga ng toddler who still shits her pants... Biglang...be home by 9 ha. Call home if you'll still be out by 11. Tell me who you'll be with, make sure may kasama kang pauwi...alam mo yun... nakaka-badtrip! Bigla akong naging over-protected PET?!?

Sa lahat pa naman ng ayoko yung nare-restrict ako...

Anyway, as the title implies, the news begins to travel. Kahapon kasi, biglaang nagyaya si Ryan for dinner and a movie sa Megamall. Ramil and I were together at that time. So I said, sige punta ako. Tapos ang bati ni Ry sa amin "Hello lovebirds"...WTF?!? Wala lang...funny lang. Ehehe...

Well, I am expecting that lalabas din yung balitang yan. Eitherway, we won't deny if anyone asks us. What we so totally won't do is to ANNOUNCE this to the whole world. Parang ang loser naman nun diba? Besides, hindi pa kami legal sa bahay. Hindi ko naman kasi na-anticipate na magre-regress yung mga magulang ko eh. Hindi ko kasi maintindihan kung bakit biglang napaka-overprotective nila sa akin, kung kelan gagraduate na ako and I'm already talking of getting a job.

Anyway, alam na din ni Eric. At ni Raquel. At ni Ivan. At ni John. At ni ate Ellyn. Well, lalabas at lalabas naman yun eh. As I said to Eric, pag may nagtanong, sasagutin ko naman eh... not unless si Eric ang magtanong...hwahahaha...


Tuesday, April 15, 2003

TANGINA, sayang ang oras!!!

Sana nagliwaliw na lang ako. Sana pumunta na lang ako ng Diliman at nagpaka-saya! Hello! Sabi-sabi na may paguusapan kami at ngayon asan siya? Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon light. Duh...

Anyway, it has been a really bad day. Sana hindi na lang ako nagising kaninang umaga.


Sunday, April 13, 2003

Silent Lucidity

It's been 40 hours...and shit, nade-deja vu ako! If I remember correctly, entry #1 regarding my relationship with Number4 reads: It's been 40 hours since I last saw my Sweetie but I'm still happy. God damn it, I so want to write, 40 hours na kami ng baby kong love ko pero masayang-masaya pa rin ako. Fuck that...eh sa masaya ako e... kaya sasabihin ko!

40 hours and fifteen minutes na kami ng baby ko!

There...I sure hope it doesn't come to a Number4-like ending just because of my entry. I know we're both smarter and more mature than that. Harharhar.

He spent Friday night over at the house, which was unplanned (but then again, good things are unplanned most of the time) and I cooked sinigang for him. Medyo sumablay lang kasi masyadong maasim at maalat (in my opinion) pero sabi nya masarap naman daw. Naubos nga niya yung five cups na sinaing ko eh...Hwahahaha...

It was nice sleeping next to him. O ayan...siguro naman dahil nag-sleep over sya sa bahay, hindi na magiging Number4 ending yun noh! Hahaha

Anyway, I am so happy with him. For some unfathomable reason, we just clicked after the initial meeting and everything went on from there. One week has passed and not a dull moment ever...*winks*

Well, I do want to go on and on with this but my eyes are closing and my fingers are cursing me to give them a rest.

So my question for the day is: Where the hell have you been all my life?!?

Seeyah later... when my fingers are at pace with my brain.


Thursday, April 10, 2003

Tangina...sa wakas...TAPOS NA!

Thesis over and done with. Defended, final copies bound and submitted. Now I've just survived the first week of the month-long Tour of the Clinics. It's more tiring than usual, maybe because one full week akong nasa Diliman at hindi na sanay ang katawan ko sa malayuang biyahe. Hello! Past three months ng buhay ko, I was just 15 minutes away from home!

Pero okay lang...I have found The Cure. My natural Lipovitan! Sans caffeine (hmm..pwede ding may caffeine...pag nakapag-kape na sya...hwehehehehe...) and best of all, almost six feet tall (okay, two inches short but with my height, that doesn't fucking matter!)

Nakakatawa na nakakatuwa talaga...hindi naman dapat kami magkikita. Hindi dapat kami magkakakilala sa personal. Pero madalas na namin i-set yung pagkikita namin sa posts (oho, peyups sya. Can you blame me? Eh dun na lang naman umiikot ang mundo ko?!?!) and sa text eventually. Tapos sa isang event na ang alam namin ay hindi pupunta ang isa't isa ay bigla palang pupunta kami pareho. So nagkita kami. At ayun...Ahehehe...let's not go there...

Gusto ko sana maglagay ng blow by blow account, day by day log ng progression ng aming...aming...kung ano man ang meron kami...pero hindi ko na ma-organize yung thoughts sa utak ko. Para siyang alphabet soup...nauuna ang Z kesa A...at ang G kesa M...teka...una naman talaga yun diba?!?


Eniwei, chili con carne, ang tagal ko nang hindi nasisilayan itong blog na ito. The same way, forevermore ko nang hindi nasisilayan ang mahal kong treadmill. Namimiss na siguro nya ang mala-demonyo kong pagtapak sa kanya at ang mala-kabayong pinahila ng tangkeng paghingal ko... At shemps, miss ko na ang aking TC ko (that stands for "The Cure", 386!).

Well, okay fine. Hindi ko pa pwedeng angkinin na "mine" siya. Wala pa akong K na sabihing "TC ko" at kung anik anik pa. Kaya nga windangation everloo ang lola! Heller! Hindi ko alam kung ano kami. Ah basta eto ang alam ko: anim na araw pa lang kaming magkakilala. Hindi (pa) kami. At ito pa: I know deep in my heart that I want something to come out of this. Something okay. Something more than OK.

Something good.

But this I do know as well: nade-deja-vu ako. This isn't the first time it happened to me. The past two episodes happened much in the same way pero hindi gaanong trail-blazing ang start. But both ended badly (the latter being a whole lot worse than the former. Pareho ko silang hindi nakakausap pero mas nakakatakot yung latter...baka ipapatay ako bigla eh...) at ayoko nang ma-strike three! Unang-una, ang tanga ko naman siguro everloo kung magpapa-strike out ako no? Pangalawa, heller! Hindi na ba ako natakot (actually oo but I'll get to that later...) na mangyayari din ulit yun? Some little part of me is still daring to hope na maging kami talaga for real...someday, somehow... Pero for the most part, nanginginig ako sa takot. Naknampotah...wag naman sana ako ma-History repeats itself. Kung Histo2 nga kay Karganilla hindi na-repeat itself, itong klaseng History pa kayang ito?!?

Come to think of it, hindi malayong ma-History repeats-itself-for-the-second-time-twice-pardon ako. Sa likas na pagkatanga at pagka-mangmang ko, hindi malayong may masabi nanaman akong katangahan (na nagawa ko na kanina...naknampotah, sablay talaga kahit kelan!) o may magawa nanaman akong ka-skrongkrangan!

Ang pinaka-nakakawindang everloo pa dito: anim na araw pa lang kaming magkakilala! Literal na nangangapa pa kami sa isa't isa! Okay, sure. Sweet kami. Mas PDA pa nga kami kesa sa tunay na couple eh. Pero tangina, naloloka everchenes talaga ang byuti ko! Gusto ko nang magkaron ng karapatang sumagot ng "oo" pag tinanong ako kung bf ko siya...pero sa loob-loob ko...tangina, magpapakatanga nanaman ba ang masahista?

Well, the way things are going...malamang!!!